she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
