I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
