..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
