I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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