There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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