Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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