pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
