if you like me you must not know who I am
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
