im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
