Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
