Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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