I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
