Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
