o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
