cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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