Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
