Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
