I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
