I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
