well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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