Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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