finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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