This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
