dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize