why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
