Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
