I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
