rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
