I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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