what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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