Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
this hospital has no fireball
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
