Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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