I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
