I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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