Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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