We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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