My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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