I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
