Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
