so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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