I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
