you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
