one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
