Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
