And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
