dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
