seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need a beard to bite.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
