I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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