She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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