getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
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