It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
That's intense
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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