U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
