New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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