two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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