I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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