When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
a search helicopter?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
