You're so nebulous sometimes
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
