At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
