fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I had to cum in my sink.
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