I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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