My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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