my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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