It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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