Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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