I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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