You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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