The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
