so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
