I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize