my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
